For a long time, I didn’t realize I was living in survival mode.
From the outside, everything looked fine. I was functioning, overachieving, doing harder and harder challenges and pushing my limits. I was showing up for myself and for others. I was doing what needed to be done, performing, I had it all together. On the inside however, I felt numb, disconnected; I was moving on autopilot. I was doing what I was supposed to do while always feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and tense.
I thought that was normal. Most people probably live their lives like that. On autopilot, wondering if everyone feels the same way. If everyone feels that tired all the time. It’s life right?
I thought that was just who I was. I thought I simply was NOT an emotional person. I was simply someone who couldn’t connect. Someone who couldn’t have these intense emotions. Couldn’t get happy or excited like other people over little things. I was just the girl who was always distant, that was me. The poker face girl whom you were never going to be able to tell if she was happy or not, excited or not. You couldn’t know if something was affecting me because I was keeping everything locked inside. I thought this was my personality, my identity.
But this wasn’t me.
It was my nervous system trying to protect me. These were survival patterns I had learned from past trauma that were still affecting my life.
All of the experiences and trauma I had been through had been stressful and changed my mind and body in some ways. Chronic stress reshapes how your brain and body respond to everyday life. Survival mode had reshaped the way I was thinking, creating some new limiting beliefs. It had changed how I viewed the world, it felt unsafe now. And it changed how I showed up in this world; even if all of this was unconscious (1).
Survival mode seems scary.
“What? No, not me! I’m doing just fine.”
But it actually presents in subtle ways that you might be living in survival mode without even knowing it.
It looks like:
Your body adapts to chronic stress in powerful ways. Over time, your nervous system can get “stuck” in patterns like fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown.
Prolonged activation of the stress response in your body can reshape how your body reacts to everyday life, affecting everything from your mood to energy levels to hormonal balance.
All of those feelings and symptoms I had weren’t my personality, they were my body’s adaptations to help me survive and to protect me (2).
When I started learning about nervous system regulation, something changed and many things started to make sense.
I began to notice patterns I had ignored for years. Not because I wanted to ignore them, but I was always too focused on moving forward and on autopilot to notice them before.
These patterns all have the same purpose; protecting me. It’s a survival adaptation but one that was keeping me stuck. When you’ve been living this way for years, more than 20 years in my case, this starts to feel like your identity. Like there’s nothing to do to change it since it’s a part of you.
When I started working on regulation during my healing journey nothing changed overnight. It took time. It was gradual, it was imperfect, full of ups and down and sometimes it felt like I was going backward.
Because changing these survival patterns didn’t mean I was calm and regulated all the time. It meant I learned to notice when I was overwhelmed before shutting down. I didn’t spiral as much or as long as I used to. Rest started to feel possible (not uncomfortable) and I started to enjoy it. I could respond instead of reacting to stressful events. And I began to feel… I felt my emotions in my body, which was overwhelming at first. Then I had moments where I felt present, calm, at peace and happy.
Even when life feels overwhelming and I wanted to stop and disconnect; I kept going. I kept regulating, I kept processing my emotions. By staying consistent, slowly but surely, I felt like me again.
The change will be subtle at first. It will happen slowly until you look back at what your life was a year ago and realize how far you have come. You will realize you aren’t simply living on autopilot, you’re actually living your life.
Something I expected was grief. Grief for how long I had been living disconnected from myself. How many years of my life I had lost being numb and disconnected. How many years I had abandoned myself. I grieved for how hard I had pushed my body but I also felt grateful for how long my body had been showing up for me and responding. And I felt shame, for not realizing sooner, for not taking action sooner. For following these survival patterns for so long and abandoning myself through it and not even realizing it.
But what I didn’t expect was anger. Not for me but for the people around me. The people that could see and who knew something was probably wrong and the people who still let me abandon myself throughout all of it. The people who were okay with seeing me disconnected and unhappy because abandoning myself serve their goals and their needs.
This healing and regulating journey will be an emotional rollercoaster and many emotions you would not expect might show up. Process all of it, feel all of it even if some days you’ll want to stop. These days remind yourself that this doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. You’re still progressing. You’re still showing up for yourself and that is progress even on the days that feels like everything is wrong.
On the outside, I look the same. A bit older, a bit more wrinkles but basically the same. On the inside however, I feel like a different person.
I’m not numb anymore. I feel connected. I’m not constantly overwhelmed and exhausted. I don’t feel like I’m in survival mode. It feels like I’m actually living and enjoying it more. I feel like me.
Now I will listen to my body instead of ignoring the signs. I can notice when I need to rest and I can enjoy it. My worth isn’t tied to my productivity anymore, to what I can accomplish or do for others. I feel more grounded, more calm even when life feels messy and chaotic. I trust myself more and my mind can go silent. And this feels peaceful.
The biggest shift into all of this is that I don’t feel like I need to hold it all together for everyone anymore. I don’t feel like everything has to be perfect. That pressure is gone.
If you’re reading this and can relate to it, I’m glad you know now that you aren’t alone and that there is a way out. It’s not permanent. It’s not a part of your personality. It’s a survival pattern that can be changed. Your body tried to protect you, you can thank it for what it has done for you. But now you can adapt to a different reality. You can learn something new.
You can learn to slow down, to reconnect with yourself, and to feel confident. Stress changes your brain but these neural circuits can be shaped back through experience and can be modified over time (3).
Which is the work I have been doing in the last couple of years. Giving my body and my brain different experiences.
This work of unlearning survival patterns and reconnecting with your body isn’t always easy to do alone. Having guidance, support, by someone who knows what you are going through can make a huge difference. If you need someone to hold space for you in this you can always reach out to me and I’ll show you exactly the path you can follow to get back to yourself, regulate and heal.
3-Davidson, Richard J., and Sharon Begley. The Emotional Life of Your Brain. New York: Penguin, 2012.
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